Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Black Hole Experience.

Entering the black hole.

I haven't been my "full" self since November of 2010. See, my "responsible" actions during the first semester of the academic year 2010-2011 brought me to a situation that sort of sucked the life out of me. I got dismissed. I felt my world crumble when I got wind of my academic standing. Sure, I've sacked a couple of subjects before, but never in my life did I imagine myself absolutely effed up with regards to my academics. Getting dismissed meant not being able to dance in Araneta with the Team. Getting dismissed meant several days of processing papers and dealing with not-so-friendly people in the offices. Getting dismissed meant disappointing my family. Getting dismissed meant disappointing myself. I felt worthless and incapable and just plain stupid. I got readmitted. But I sulked over the fact that I somehow sort of effed up my life.

So yeah, I started the second semester a bit off but I managed to keep myself together and go on with my life as if nothing happened. Everything was going well. Heck, I even fell in love. I fell, again, for this remarkable person. She's plain incredible and unforgettable. But then again, maybe it still isn't our time. The best bud told me that maybe, what she and I had (whatever it is) is just another bump on the road. That maybe, she came back into my life because I needed to be lifted up again, and lift me up she did. And then the sore reality hit and I fell face flat.

Middle of the black hole.

How fortunate am I that all these things are happening to me? I couldn't help question why I get to deal with a lot of bull crap. The acads, I can forgive, but with regards to matters of the heart? It's plain crap. I couldn't help but compare, really. I think that's the most unfair part of my existence. Some people find love overnight. I've waited for around 2 years and just when I was ready to give my all again, poof. I felt crushed. I felt worthless. Again.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending to be okay. I somehow accomplished to make my friends believe that I'm okay. But every time I tell someone that I'm okay, the more my heart gets squished. The more I smile and shrug whatever I'm feeling over my shoulder, the more I get burdened. I became so vulnerable. But at least, I looked as though nothing's eating me up.

Seeing light.

Three weeks after I got my heart broken, and still I wasn't doing well. The best bud's reassuring words were, well, reassuring, but it wouldn't suffice. One night, while laying in the apartment floor (with the best bud snoring), I prayed. I prayed really hard. I prayed for my self and for healing. I got wounded from all those experiences and I know that if I don't ask for healing, the wounds would never heal. I prayed for forgiveness and for the strength to forgive. I prayed for more patience and for acceptance. I prayed for renewal. Of myself and of my faith. I told Him "Lord, my life is in You. Do what You want and what You think is best for me.", and after that prayer, I fell asleep and slept the most amazing 4 hours of my life. I woke up feeling refreshed. I woke up smiling. I woke up that morning knowing that from here on out, everything will be okay.

Exiting the black hole.

I'm glad I passed that black hole. Sure, it sucked the life out of me, but after everything that I've experienced in there, I've come out as this better person with a yes, cliche alert, a renewed passion for life. I've become this person who, yes, still worries, but never doubts.


I would have never been able to live through all those "funny" things without the help of my best bud, Marvin (Sikat ka na, nabanggit kita dito!) and of course, my Best Friend Upstairs. Thank you, both, you have no idea how lucky I am to have you guys as my wingmen.

Here's to making the rest of the year far better than all those previous years!

1 comment:

Mikołaj said...

Eltaoo: Rozmyślaj i rozmawiaj o tym co pożyteczne dla żyjących
oraz postępuj w ten sposób a zdobędziesz wszystko co do szczęścia potrzebujesz.